Habanero Press

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Off The Hook…And Disconnected

Image courtesy The Reporter newspaper

A quick perusal of today’s newspapers gave us the news that the PUC had gotten themselves a hot new toy. So we donned our ninja suits and climbed over their fence to take a look. Then we took off our ninja suits because they were hot and itchy and people passing on their way to lunch were giving us funny looks.

Anyway, the ‘toy’ is an expensive new vehicle that, in theory, will “provide technical Frequency Spectrum Monitoring and Analysis.” In layman’s terms, the vehicle will be spying on us. Well, the people in it will be spying on us, not the vehicle itself; it wasn’t that fancy.

We are, quite understandably, concerned about this. Some of the questions that come to mind are:

  • Will they be able to read our emails? If so, will the really dirty jokes that my cousin from Chicago always sends be censored?
  • What about pirate downloads? Will they stop Ron G? I’d better see if he has Book of Eli before they do. I mean, Denzel’s still man candy, even if he’s getting older!
  • Internet porn…no way they can stop that…right?
  • If the vehicle falls into a Belize City pothole, does anyone have a strong enough crane to lift it out?

Ostensibly the people who should worry the most are the radio stations, who may be forced to comply with broadcast frequency requirements, i.e. broadcast only on the frequency mentioned in their license instead of all over the general neighborhood of that frequency. According to a quick survey we took (of PUC management) no one thinks that Smart or Channel 5 have anything to worry about. Nor did they feel that Krem ought to be concerned just because it had cancelled the Attorney General’s show. Such a concern is, they felt, artificial at best.

However, as taxpayers we were most of all concerned about the cost of the vehicle, so we asked the PUC about that. The person we spoke to, who talked on condition of anonymity (we didn’t get his name anyway, so we figured it seemed really professional to agree to this condition), said that they calculated the cost of the vehicle against the fines and penalties they’d be able to levy against offenders they catch, and found that the vehicle would “pretty much pay for itself within 23 years, 7 months and 18 days or so.”

However, we were later told that the most critical factor in the purchase decision was that [John Avery] felt that “this vehicle is ‘off the hook’ and sexy mamas be diggin’ [his] action.”

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