Habanero Press

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New Tax May Yet Cure City’s Financial Ills

City Council brokeToday the City Council held a press conference to discuss the city’s precarious financial situation and to unveil the latest strategy for addressing it.

Apparently the city is insolvent to the point that the Council can no longer afford the cost of mismanagement. One councilor commented that no matter how they scoured the books, they haven’t been able to find any money to set aside for squandering and wasteful spending. City administrators also reported that property and other taxes have been discounted down to the point that the council now actually owes ┬áseveral property owners and businesses.

In discussing the provision of essential services, city officials advised that while they have not been picking up garbage, fixing streets or enforcing basic laws that allow city residents to peacefully coexist with one another, this inaction was not officially sanctioned. By way of a corrective measure, the non-provision of these and other services will now be made official by way of new legislation which will require all residents to fend for themselves.

The discussion then moved to the Prime Minister’s recent suggestion that councilors take a pay cut. The Mayor spoke to this issue, observing that the Council had been having trouble meeting mayoral salary and expenses, so after much brainstorming it was determined that councilors would indeed take a pay cut in order to allow the city to reserve funds to pay these costs.

Finally, since the other sources of tax revenue are underperforming, the council unveiled a radical new tax measure: the plan to begin taxing residents by road condition. Studies have apparently determined that streets with potholes have less [vehicular] accident injuries than smooth streets, and this information has led the council to implement a ‘safety tax.’ Streets with more and/or deeper potholes will be regarded as safer streets and residents of those streets will pay a proportionately higher tax.

The press conference concluded on a positive note, with city officials assuring members of the media that they will continue to work to solve the city’s problems. As one councilor put it, “we absolutely want this city to return to normal mismanagement and the usual political manipulation; the current situation which precludes such activity is untenable and we pledge to work to resolve the matter as quickly as is humanly possible.”

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City Garbage Crisis Over

P Willoughby Philip Willoughby, Councillor in charge of sanitation, has advised the media that the Council now has a solution for the garbage crisis. Willoughby, in a press conference today, told us that he had petitioned the courts to sentence all those accused in the current financial scandal as quickly as they could. In anticipation of a guilty verdict, “because we really need it to go down like this,” he has asked that the sentence be 1,000 hours of community service. The specific service assigned to those involved would be to clean up the city.

“Dwain is really speedy when he gets going, and Zenaida is a machine when it comes to chopping grass. I figure once they find their rhythm, the city should be spic and span in no time. Really, the only reason I asked for 1,000 hours is that the two Kirans might move a little slower.”

Willoughby added that any and all bottles found would be turned in to Bowen and the refund proceeds would go a long way towards repaying the $275,000 in under-deposits. “So really, it’s kinda like killing two birds with one stone.”

It is anticipated that any remaining time on the sentence would be spent painting City Hall to prepare it for the impending sale.

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