Habanero Press

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New Tax May Yet Cure City’s Financial Ills

City Council brokeToday the City Council held a press conference to discuss the city’s precarious financial situation and to unveil the latest strategy for addressing it.

Apparently the city is insolvent to the point that the Council can no longer afford the cost of mismanagement. One councilor commented that no matter how they scoured the books, they haven’t been able to find any money to set aside for squandering and wasteful spending. City administrators also reported that property and other taxes have been discounted down to the point that the council now actually owes ┬áseveral property owners and businesses.

In discussing the provision of essential services, city officials advised that while they have not been picking up garbage, fixing streets or enforcing basic laws that allow city residents to peacefully coexist with one another, this inaction was not officially sanctioned. By way of a corrective measure, the non-provision of these and other services will now be made official by way of new legislation which will require all residents to fend for themselves.

The discussion then moved to the Prime Minister’s recent suggestion that councilors take a pay cut. The Mayor spoke to this issue, observing that the Council had been having trouble meeting mayoral salary and expenses, so after much brainstorming it was determined that councilors would indeed take a pay cut in order to allow the city to reserve funds to pay these costs.

Finally, since the other sources of tax revenue are underperforming, the council unveiled a radical new tax measure: the plan to begin taxing residents by road condition. Studies have apparently determined that streets with potholes have less [vehicular] accident injuries than smooth streets, and this information has led the council to implement a ‘safety tax.’ Streets with more and/or deeper potholes will be regarded as safer streets and residents of those streets will pay a proportionately higher tax.

The press conference concluded on a positive note, with city officials assuring members of the media that they will continue to work to solve the city’s problems. As one councilor put it, “we absolutely want this city to return to normal mismanagement and the usual political manipulation; the current situation which precludes such activity is untenable and we pledge to work to resolve the matter as quickly as is humanly possible.”

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Filed under: Belize, , , , , ,

National Party Council To Face Zenaida

25435Saturday, 3rd October 2009. Mayor Zenaida “Big Balls” Moya-Flowers will today meet with the UDP’s National Party Council. It is expected that the Party Council will have a lot to answer for based on the charges Zenaida listed in her media appearance after court this past Thursday.

Party insiders describe the Party Council members as being “very nervous” and “hopeful that they will be able to explain themselves satisfactorily to Zenaida.” Some of the things members expect to be challenged about include: whether or not any of them knows what it’s like to have to change diapers while people are talking about you, how many of them have ever gotten roundabouts with large phallic designs donated, who has the most minions, and who has the coolest sunglasses.

Several members have reputedly been seen standing nervously in front of their mirrors, pants down and rulers in hand, as rumours have leaked that Zenaida may also dare them to prove who has the bigger balls. Sources within her camp are loudly optimistic that the Mayor will win such a contest “hands down.”

Contacts close to Zenaida say that she is prepared to let the members of the National Party Council remain within the UDP, but that things will have to be different in the future. It is not clear whether she will allow Dean Barrow to remain in place as Party Leader.

Filed under: Belize, , , ,

City Flood Crisis Might be Averted…Unless It Isn’t

Officials at the Belize City Council now admit that the last few days of mildly heavy rains have exposed a critical technical flaw in municipal roadbuilding efforts. These officials, who have been intimately involved with daily maintenance efforts, have now determined, after multiple tests (seismic, pregnancy, pop quiz), that the city’s potholes may not be adequate to cope with the volume of water these rains have dumped on the city.

Efforts are therefore under way to ponder the matter deeply. Experts suggest that new, more modern potholes may have to be tested in residential areas such as King’s Park, where “the residents all have SUVs anyway,” and “it’ll distract them from this whole Wagons business.” Potholes will be tested for depth, width, sharpness of gradient, and ‘splashiness.’

Civic-minded residents are encouraged to call the City Council and report if they feel their potholes would be suitable for testing.

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