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National Party Council To Face Zenaida

25435Saturday, 3rd October 2009. Mayor Zenaida “Big Balls” Moya-Flowers will today meet with the UDP’s National Party Council. It is expected that the Party Council will have a lot to answer for based on the charges Zenaida listed in her media appearance after court this past Thursday.

Party insiders describe the Party Council members as being “very nervous” and “hopeful that they will be able to explain themselves satisfactorily to Zenaida.” Some of the things members expect to be challenged about include: whether or not any of them knows what it’s like to have to change diapers while people are talking about you, how many of them have ever gotten roundabouts with large phallic designs donated, who has the most minions, and who has the coolest sunglasses.

Several members have reputedly been seen standing nervously in front of their mirrors, pants down and rulers in hand, as rumours have leaked that Zenaida may also dare them to prove who has the bigger balls. Sources within her camp are loudly optimistic that the Mayor will win such a contest “hands down.”

Contacts close to Zenaida say that she is prepared to let the members of the National Party Council remain within the UDP, but that things will have to be different in the future. It is not clear whether she will allow Dean Barrow to remain in place as Party Leader.

Filed under: Belize, , , ,

City Garbage Crisis Over

P Willoughby Philip Willoughby, Councillor in charge of sanitation, has advised the media that the Council now has a solution for the garbage crisis. Willoughby, in a press conference today, told us that he had petitioned the courts to sentence all those accused in the current financial scandal as quickly as they could. In anticipation of a guilty verdict, “because we really need it to go down like this,” he has asked that the sentence be 1,000 hours of community service. The specific service assigned to those involved would be to clean up the city.

“Dwain is really speedy when he gets going, and Zenaida is a machine when it comes to chopping grass. I figure once they find their rhythm, the city should be spic and span in no time. Really, the only reason I asked for 1,000 hours is that the two Kirans might move a little slower.”

Willoughby added that any and all bottles found would be turned in to Bowen and the refund proceeds would go a long way towards repaying the $275,000 in under-deposits. “So really, it’s kinda like killing two birds with one stone.”

It is anticipated that any remaining time on the sentence would be spent painting City Hall to prepare it for the impending sale.

Filed under: Belize, , ,

City Flood Crisis Might be Averted…Unless It Isn’t

Officials at the Belize City Council now admit that the last few days of mildly heavy rains have exposed a critical technical flaw in municipal roadbuilding efforts. These officials, who have been intimately involved with daily maintenance efforts, have now determined, after multiple tests (seismic, pregnancy, pop quiz), that the city’s potholes may not be adequate to cope with the volume of water these rains have dumped on the city.

Efforts are therefore under way to ponder the matter deeply. Experts suggest that new, more modern potholes may have to be tested in residential areas such as King’s Park, where “the residents all have SUVs anyway,” and “it’ll distract them from this whole Wagons business.” Potholes will be tested for depth, width, sharpness of gradient, and ‘splashiness.’

Civic-minded residents are encouraged to call the City Council and report if they feel their potholes would be suitable for testing.

Filed under: Belize, , ,

Belize Government Announces Policy Shift

Economist Pocket World in Figures, 2009

Economist Pocket World in Figures, 2009

(Belmopan, Sept 15, 2009) Today the Government announced a radical policy shift. Responding to the country’s listing in the Economist’s 2009 Pocket World in Figures as the world murder capital, a government spokesman said “it’s really the per capita analysis of the statistics that makes us look bad. Otherwise, people get murdered every day in lots of countries, like Afghanistan and Iraq, so we wouldn’t have a problem if it weren’t for our population size.”

In view of this assessment, the government’s approach to the problem will now be to increase the population “in order to dilute the murder rate.”

The Ministry of National Security has fully endorsed this policy shift, stating that “we’re having so much trouble catching the murderers, getting them sentenced through the court system and thereby reducing the murder rate that we agree that the next best option is to “increase the population so that the murder rate at least looks lower.”

The Immigration Department and the Tourism Board have therefore been officially tasked to “get people into the country, and keep them here.” Officials from those agencies could not be reached for comment. Meanwhile, inside sources suggest that duty on condoms will be increased, and birth control pills will no longer be readily available.

Update: many thanks to alert readers who sent in this story.

Filed under: Belize, , ,

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