Habanero Press

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Stirmy Wader and High Vellosity: No Rainbows Here Please

I have a confession to make. I’m an accessory to depravity in that I have homosexual friends. There, I’ve said it, and that’s the first step to fixing it. Don’t worry though, not much of a disclaimer is needed for those of you who choose to read this through; I regret that I can’t share graphic details as Russell Vellos did when he began his recent and ongoing series of very instructive articles. The problem is, I have no graphic details. None of my gay friends, male or female, have told me what they do in the privacy of their bedrooms, nor have they done anything in front of me. Nope, no orgies that I know of, more’s the pity. Okay, there’s been the occasional hand-holding, perhaps a small affectionate hug or touch, but depraved individual that I am, I regret to say that none of it caused me to suffer even the smallest pang of nausea. However, having listened to all the religious folk out there, and accepting that mere ownership of a bible does make one an instant expert on God’s otherwise mysterious ways, I now stand corrected on many truths regarding my friends. For your enlightenment, I will elaborate some of my newfound insights below.

Gays are always looking to recruit ‘new meat.’ Unlike the lucky Mr. Vellos who has the benefit of personal experience, none of my friends have ever approached me to participate in any untoward activities. I thought this was because they knew and respected my sexual orientation, but after reading Mr. Vellos’ vividly descriptive articles I realize that I perhaps mistook their reticence for respect when it may actually be that I either am not good-looking enough or perhaps I’m too old. I’m a little confused though and intend to ask my gay pals at the earliest opportunity how come the couples I know are all of legal consenting age, some well into it, in fact. It must be some kind of aberration, and given Mr. Vellos’ intimate knowledge of homosexual habits I do have to yield to his expertise, but to the best of my observation, none of the gays I know consume any illegal or illicit drugs, no partner has ever looked drugged or enslaved, and all of these people appear to be well-adjusted, contributing members of society, who earn decent incomes via honest means. This must be what makes them freaks. Anyway, thanks to Belize Action I now know that this is all an elaborate sham and not at all representative of proper homosexual behavior.

Keep little children away from these people. This is like the recruitment comment, but this one cleared up the wrong impression I and the world’s entire scientific community had about pedophiles. The only complication that remains -and if Pastor Wade would clear it up I’d be really grateful- is regarding the oft-occurring rape of little girls by grown adult males. You remember all those stories in the Amandala and other media? My question there, for which I will humbly accept Pastor Wade’s explanation, is whether those men should be considered lesbians or if perhaps they all had really bad eyesight and mistook their victims for little boys wearing dresses?

Non-traditional sex (see Vellos, Amandala) is the root of all our evils. This may be the key to solving the problem. Clearly young men are out there jacking and shooting because gay sex exists, not because of drugs or poverty -crime is a manifestation of gay sexual frustration. Also, it is obvious that political corruption will disappear the moment gay people get real and cure themselves. I’m thinking of suggesting to my friends that they and their fellow alternate lifestyle choosers even consider leaving the country immediately, purely as a patriotic gesture. Their departure is certain to clear up the drug, crime and corruption problems we face. Frankly, now that Belize Action has opened my eyes I can’t understand why law enforcement doesn’t see this solution to all the problems plaguing us. It also explains why the churches jumped on this issue as the most urgent of all that society faces. Obviously the churches know that this is an LGBT problem. Come to think of it, that jacker that took my cousin’s purse at knifepoint the other day probably used the proceeds to buy his boyfriend a pair of high heels to match that very purse. Christmas is coming, after all, and gay folks probably can’t even shop straight.

People choose to be this way, there is no gay gene. This one really opened my eyes. I realized after reading the explanation behind this claim and accepting it as truth, that gay people really do choose the lifestyle. They really love it when somebody calls them names because they walk and talk differently. They totally get off on having people threaten to kill them for their lifestyle. Those gay teenagers and young adult men in the States who committed suicide after being bullied probably thought of suicide as some kind of bizarre sex act, which they carried out after the name calling made them excited. Just the other day, after reading these commentaries, I saw on Facebook that someone had suggested that all gays be killed according to the Bible and, enlightened as I now am regarding how much my friends live for these moments, made sure to share it with them. They are really good actors, by the way, because until I heard what Pastors Stirm and Wade had to say, I would have readily accepted their shock and horror as genuine.

The Bible condemns homosexuals. Well, I know that one, but the nuns had taught me that the New Testament, out of which my religion and Pastors Stirm and Wade’s religions all came, was about forgiveness, and that the New Testament wiped out the whole ‘eye for an eye’ business by suggesting we leave the wrath of God to, well, God. I always figured it was best to leave sleeping dogs to lie and just do the best I could with my own life. But then Belize Action came along and convinced me that if said sleeping dogs were lying with dogs of the same sex, I’m duty-bound to turn the hose on them. Scales having been ripped from my eyes, and dogs having now been appropriately segregated in my yard, I shall begin to devote my time to judging my neighbor for his own good. It really is good to know that the ‘judge not lest ye be judged part,’ doesn’t apply to fevered imaginings about what other people do in their bedrooms and how often they do it, so that there should be no worries about hellfire and damnation in return for mental voyeurism. I’ll confess that I was a little worried about where the fantasizing would take Mr. Vellos until I really looked at the issue. Only one question remains on this, and again, I’m sorry to be so ignorant, but if a modern-day Mary Magdalene comes to wash my feet, should I kick her in the face, or just grudgingly accept the free pedicure? I mean, I know she’s not gay (except maybe for pay), but in the Old Testament she wouldn’t be allowed within a mile of my unshod toes, so the answer to this will give me a kind of gauge to use.

People should have sex only for the purpose of procreation. Well, yes, this one really does make good sense, and judging from the numbers in our population, should be followed very closely as a matter of urgency. Naturally, once people begin to abide by the church’s dictates and get married to each other in order to copulate in order to procreate, this will clear up a number of problems. Off the top of my head I can already think of how much less busy the Family Court will be henceforth. I do have one niggling little worry though, and I’m sure it’s easily solved: when people who get married in order to copulate in order to procreate can’t afford the results of being fruitful and multiplying, what happens? I ask this knowing already in my heart of hearts that the churches will step up to feed and clothe these God-fearing families. Oh, and one more small question, if one spouse marries another for love, but there is a biological problem that prevents them from having children, should they annul or just not have sex ever?

It is generally understood, even in the Bible, that the human race isn’t perfect. That’s why Jesus had to do a consultancy on behalf of Our Father and set up a kind of reset system regarding forgiveness, in gratitude for which we terminated him, but that’s a different discussion. Of course, there are the Mortal Sins that even Jesus’ accounting firm has difficulty writing off. I see Lust and Wrath share top MS billing with five other biggies, including Greed and Sloth, the awareness of which is now causing me to completely revise my plans for Christmas weekend. I do hope that Mr. Vellos and Pastors Stirm and Wade won’t be punished with eternal flame. After all, their Wrath is founded on a healthy (and lovingly detailed) judgment of other people’s lustful ways. I mean, there are loopholes even with mortal sins, right?

Anyway, what I meant to say is, thank goodness for the Belize Action movement. Without them I would have continued naively thinking of my homosexual friends as well-adjusted contributors to society just because they have good jobs, go to church every week, contribute to their community through service and commit no crimes (well, none outside of their bedrooms). Now I know that the almighty Hand of God will smite them down for their wicked and evil ways, so I’ll be sure to warn them next time they invite me for dinner -just in case they need to increase their insurance or reinforce their roofs.


Filed under: Belize, , , , ,

9 Responses

  1. Anonymous says:

    From all your satirical comments, this is the best..good one..

  2. Noelle Ingledew says:

    Brilliant ! Couldn’t have said it better

  3. Angelica says:


  4. D_Andre says:

    Well Said. Absolutely Brilliant. Finally some literature worth reading. And I must agree that surely, Mr. Vellos is speaking of personal experiences, as mine have never been any like he describes.

  5. Caleb Orozco says:


  6. Juan P says:

    Hehe. How insightful.

  7. Anonymous says:

    were u being funny? 😛

  8. Anonymous says:

    Who ARE you, and how come you’re not writing for Newsweek? This piece is some of the best satire I’ve read since Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.”

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