Habanero Press

Belize's Hottest News Source

Crime Wave More Like Tsunami, Compol Concedes

handcuffsToday the Commissioner of Police gave a brief statement to the media, during which the podium he was using was stolen. When he called the police to report the theft, they told him that they would come as soon as they had a vehicle.

Speaking awkwardly without anything to lean on, the beleaguered police commissioner admitted that crime was out of control but maintained that the police were doing all they could to keep the country as safe as it is right now. He expressed confidence that things can’t get any worse because they’re “already really, really bad.”

Regarding his recent claims that crime had actually gone down, the Compol was asked why he was changing his tune now. He insisted that he had made those claims as a kind of positive reinforcement; if people heard crime was down, they might believe it and so the criminals would ease off. This “kind of backfired” as the criminals turned out to be overachievers, so this week’s approach would be under the motto ‘honesty is the best policy, especially from cops.’ He admitted that this concept would take some radical adjustment as it was unfamiliar to his personnel, but was optimistic that intensive training would help.

The Commissioner wrapped up the conference by saying that if this revised approach didn’t work, they’d go back to ‘reinterpreting the statistics’ next month.

To date, his podium has not been recovered, nor have the police arrived to investigate.

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